Salesians of Don Bosco 

People often asked me, "Why would you do that to yourself and to your loved ones?" So many people go through breakups even after decades of togetherness — what was special about yours, worth ending your life over?

But for me, it didn't feel like a breakup of a relationship, rather a breaking up of me in thousands of pieces. I was filled with pain, anger, sadness, anxieties, and pure hopelessness. Every emotion felt so strong and deep, like a butterfly which sees colours so vividly, everything brighter and sharper.

My body, heart, and soul just couldn’t take it anymore. I felt nothing could ever get better, I could never get better, and — I wouldn’t survive living without this someone.

I could not think of anything else but for  the pain to end. There seemed no way out of it, and I started to feel that the only way of survival was death itself, no matter how ironic that sounds.

I had not even a grain of understanding or capacity to think of what dying truly ever meant for me and all those who loved me.

No one knew what I was going through during those months, not even the one whose separation I couldn't take. My attempt to end my life came as a huge shock to all.

As I am writing this, you know, I survived. And it was right after I hit my rock bottom, lying on a hospital bed, that I looked up from my pain and asked someone for help. It was my mother 

For the first time after this, I hugged her and shared with her all that happened and begged her to take me away from this place.

I was almost at the brink of insanity, but she stood by me like a rock — and I realised that it wasn’t just me; my loved ones were going through hell, too.

Once I partially recovered, she took me to a wellness center in another city, and that’s where I met my doctor, who was also a psychologist and my first ever counselor. And as a part of my holistic treatment, unknowingly to me, began my journey of therapy and self-healing.

“It was a life changing experience” is a phrase not apt enough to describe it. But it was, in many ways, more than one.

I was getting better with each passing day, and within a few weeks, life and colour started returning to my being.

So what had changed? I was still the same person, facing the same loss, feeling the same pain every second of my life and with every ounce of my being.

The difference — this time, I wasn't alone. To be true, I actually was never alone. It's just that I had never reached out. I was bottling it all. I thought no one could understand me, empathise, or be able to help me. But I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I bounced back to my routine life, to surviving, to enduring loss and reworking on my life from scratch with help as I even lost my job. 

I still was unsure how I would survive, but I knew I could survive. That hope and the will to get better fueled me to move on, and still does to this day.

I began to realise it wasn't just about a relationship or a loss — it was more complex than that. It was more of a trigger that uncovered vulnerabilities and traumas that I had, beginning from my childhood.

Shedding that old baggage created more space in my being to attract positive things in life, making me more aware of what we truly need and not just want.

I would also like to give huge credit to my therapist, Ms. Shalu, who helped me take conscious, well-thought-out decisions and not be just driven by emotions or impulses every time in life.

The journey of healing and uncovering the best version of me — the good, bad, and everything in between — was not of weeks but years.

It involved some medication, love from family and friends, lots and lots of therapy, and most important of all — loving myself.

Fast forward to now, more than a decade later, it seems like another life, a miracle, a gift. Happily married with a lovely spouse and an amazing kid.

Today, I want to live and experience life to its fullest, to give the best to myself and my loved ones.

I am so grateful for every breath I take — for the breath I take, for the people I’ve met, for all the chances that I got, and for all the countless blessings.

Just imagine, from being a person who wanted to end life and now being someone who gave birth to a life... I surely have come a long, long way.

What I saw as my end wasn't the end at all — it was the beginning of so many new things and possibilities, which happened just by holding a hand and asking for help.

It's a difficult step, I know, but trust me, not as difficult as ending life itself.

I wish I could hug the girl at the beginning of this story and tell her that things would get better. But we can't rewind back time and do that, so I want to tell anyone who is going through anything, even remotely similar to my situation, that

‘Things will be okay in the future.

You will be okay and you will be happy. 

You will love your life, and you will look forward to living every day.

And you will have so many people who love you and you will love them.

And you will have a life with fulfilled dreams you never thought could even happen.

You just need to hold on to life, hold on to help, and hold on to hope — just a little more - and you will come out of it all and how.

Yours truly,

Sam